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Always a metermaid never a meter
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
#ParentingFacts
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY