Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”