everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Canadian owl: Eh?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….