“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Hitlers gonna hitl
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My wedding will be open casket.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people