*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
You Might Also Like
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Autocorrect is my menesis
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I can also cook 😂
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
What do you hear?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.