FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
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Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
In Canada they just call them geese
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Imma just leave this here…………