what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.