*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
You Might Also Like
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
i will not be silenced
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.