Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
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Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.