There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
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Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean