It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.