i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.