fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?