Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
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Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Bruh PLEASE
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there