[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.