Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
He took my last fry, your honor
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
channeling her this year
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently