The three genders
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.