We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Stop.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
The only equipped I am is ill.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?