I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.