This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
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Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
oh no, steve’s working tonight
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’