M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
When libraries troll their patrons.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.