The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know