Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
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I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I have written yet another poem about laundry
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that