Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Hmmmmm
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want