When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Very good! 👍😂
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Covid like
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
All is fair in drunk and war.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases