her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
You Might Also Like
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.