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ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Lmfaoooooo
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.