MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble