When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
You Might Also Like
God has left this place
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
what
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.