DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Tastes like chicken.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.