Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news