*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.