Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
You Might Also Like
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?