*gets down on one knee*
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Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
This makes total sense…
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation