The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona