*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
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Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos