my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.