BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
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[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Girl, same.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.