Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
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my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending