I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
japanese corn
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.