I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
#polloftheday
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire