First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
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My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.