My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
meanwhile over on facebook
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
incredible book dedication
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.