[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
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Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Planet of the Apps.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
But that’s none of my business
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way