[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
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Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
WHY?!
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Human are so complicated
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.