“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
me, after any kind of buffet.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards