Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
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Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
work smarter, not harder
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper