2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
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REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.