So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
You Might Also Like
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“what’s it like having a sister?”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer