@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
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I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA